.It only hurts when I breathe.

If you have to think about whether you did the right or wrong thing, does that mean you did the wrong thing?

I found this dog. Almost hit it with my car actually. When I rolled down my window it practically jumped in. Some kids told me where it lived. I fed it and tied it to the porch.

Ten hours later no one had come home and the dog was screaming. I brought it home planning to take it to a shelter the next day.

Only... as with just about every animal I see, I fell for it.

I tried to find it somewhere else to go; a rescue, anywhere. But no one could help me.

So today, I dropped it off at a shelter where they only keep the dogs for four days. That's it. With the economy being crap, shelters are receiving a huge influx of dogs that they can't take care of.

I have been trying to decide if I did the right thing.

Is it better off dying than living tied out in a backyard with no food or water? Is it better than starving, having worms and being covered in fleas?

Did I do the right thing?

I've been trying to come up with ways to save it. Figure out a way to keep it, to change my life for it. But I've come up with nothing.

My heart is broken. I don't know what to do. I hate people for treating animals this way.

What would have happened if I'd just left it alone?

Did I kill it?

Sometimes I wish I could just feel one emotion at a time. So much drama, so much turmoil. Can my body take it? Can my mind?

I'm so mixed up all the time. I can't think. I can't decide. I just imagine myself drowning. I can't breathe. I'm choking. Coughing. Reaching out and no one can save me. Not you or you or you.

I'm alone. No matter what, it's just me. I can't look back now. It's done. It's broken. I have created a huge crack. A separation that can never be closed. It only grows wider.

I know it had to be done. I do. No one needs to tell me that. But what do I do now? I'm lost. Wandering. Afraid. Crying.

I am broken. I always have been.

I don't know if I can go back there. Can I save it and still go forward? Do I want to.

I miss her. I miss my mom. My mom, not her. Not the person who did this. Not the person I have come to see as an adult. But my mom. The one who protected me. Has she ever? Did she want me?

We had good times. Laughter, smiling. Was it fake? Have I ever been good enough.

Why can't I let go. I want out. Away.

This is NOT okay.


http://news.yahoo.com/photos/ss/events/sc/111606catbirthdogs

Okay... I cannot wait until the end of the semester. I do not need you making me feel like a dumbass. I know I don't try that hard, but you know what... there are MUCH worse articles than mine that go into the paper. So fuck you. I don't need to hear your smart ass comments and your know it all voice. I really wish that I could send my boyfriend down there to punch you in the face and then while you're lying on the ground, I'd kick you for good measure. It's fucked up that for one of my classes, I get to feel like a jackass by a fellow student. I'm so sick of it.

I'm hungry. And my mom gave away all the good candy. Bah.

I think I want to drop another one of my classes...

Yes, it will take me longer to finish school. Yes, some of my financial aid will be taken away. But honestly, those are the only two negatives.

Positives: Less work. This class is very overwelming. The teacher seems to think that we only have to do work for her class. I would have more time to work on my other classes. I can work more. I have more time to work on finding money/figuring out to buy the grooming shop.

I'm also thinking I might start learning to groom on Mon/Wed.

I feel like right now I have no time to do anything. I also don't have any drive for school. I just don't want to be there anymore.

Plus, I need the money. And I miss hanging out with Kia. I know that's a stupid reason. But I'm just so sick of my life revolving around school and work. I want to do other things.

I would have never normally dropped classes. I never have before. I just don't know if I want to do this anymore.

I just want a life. I want time.

And I hate school.

Oh.. and I want to get married. And I realized today that I'm one of those people that cry at weddings. haha.

For the first time since we moved here, I am alone in this house for more than an hour. I do love this house. I love the wood floors and the layout. I love the closets and the upstairs. I love the little door from the closet to the bathroom. I love this house. I feel it. I know this house is mine. I see the potential, I see the hope. I just need her to leave.

Later, I'm going to re-do the cabinets in the kitchen. I'm going to paint it lime green or maybe fire engine red with a black and white tiled floor, white cabinets and some kind of black counter top. I'm going to move my room downstairs. Have a bedroom and a computer room. I'm going to leave the hall and the dining room blue and paint the living room something darker maybe. I would love to re-do the bathroom, but it would probably get too expensive. It would be impossible to match anything to that gray tile... but I would see. I do hate the basement... but over time, bug bombs and cleaning I could deal with it. It's not as bad as some basements, but it is still a basement.

I want to be able to enjoy coming here, not dread it. It's not the house's fault. Someday I'll fill it with nice furniture and new windows, doors. Make it awesome again. I can't believe how many things she makes me hate. So many things I have quit because she made me hate it. So many things I feel like I suck at because of her. I wonder if we'll have any type of relationship when this is all over.

My legs hurt. Like growing pains, but a little worse.

In good news... Sarah is giving me her bed. :) I'm super excited to have a big bed. For it, I'm trading her my bed and I'll throw in some money as well because I feel like she's getting the ass end of the deal. But I am excited.

School is starting soon... I hope I won't feel like a shitty writer again. I hope I won't want to quit. Most of all, I hope I don't have to quit. Cross your fingers for me.

Today was sad and stressful. As cliche as this may sound, knowing someone has died makes you greatful for what you have. To be able to smile and laugh. To touch the ones you love, hear there for voice. It cannot be taken for granted bc in one quick moment, it can end.

Death makes me worried about the future and appreciate the present. It makes me want to touch Kia... to hold his hand. To watch him. Take in every single second so I never forget a single thing. Someone sat between us during the funeral. It was really hard knowing how sad he was and not being able to touch him. That is the thought that occupied my mind the most...

I'm sad over losing someone so great. Someone that touched so many people. Someone that touched me. Someone that made me laugh, someone who cared. I wasn't that close, so it's not so difficult. But what is difficult is how others must feel. His family... his wife, daughter and son must be devasted, yet they put on this facade to be strong for everyone else. Like Aleks said, people come to her for comfort. To see that his death was okay or at least that things will be okay. And she cannot mourn, not yet. And that is unfair and for that I am sorry.

Death is so difficult to deal with. No one close to Kia has ever died before. He told me he doesn't know what to do, he just feels empty. Those feelings are the ones that make my heart break. Seeing him cry. Seeing Aleks break down, that is what is hard. That is what hurts.

It surprises me how caring I can be or want to be. And that is a sad fact. I want to be there for her, for him. I want to make things okay. It is this fact that tells me I am not a horrible person, that I can be someone's friend.

And to Steven Dubov... you were an amazing man. One who touched souls through your singing. One who brought laughter to everyone you knew. One who remembered everything about you. One you cared. You were and will continue to be an excellent father. The kind of father I wish I had. You are the kind of man I wish all men could be. Thank you.

I dreaded these past few days so much and nothing turned out as I had imagined. I still miss Kia. Even though we spent time together, it's not the same. I can't wait to get back to normalness. I can't wait to watch movies and be lazy.

I feel so sick.. still. God. I'm never drinking again. Okay, maybe I will, but certainly not like that.

I'm excited for school. Sad, I know. And nervous. I like having something else to do. I like going to class. I like learning. I'm worried about money and time and all the work. I'm worried about not being good enough. But even still I am excited.

And I really want to open a grooming shop with Jesska. Like really want to. I wish I wasn't so lazy. ha. And I wish I had money!

It's hot. The sound system for the TV won't work. It sucks. What am I supposed to do?